i don't know if you remember, but i do

i don't know if you remember, but i do.

i remember the way i felt when i went to go meet you for the first time - how i was the non chalant type of nervous but i went out with you any way, and you bought me ice cream and picked me a flower, and kissed me under the stars on the hood of my car infront of the most beautiful view of the city with the blanket that my grandmother knit me for graduation wrapped around our shoulders. i remember the way you shook hands with all of my friends and smiled and said hello. i remember the way you drove eighty miles over the speed limit all while holding my hand and asking me about my family. i remember how we saw that couple fooling around in their car and we laughed and pulled over and did the same. i remember the coy look i gave you when i pulled away from your lips to make fun at you for unhooking my bra. i remember the way i invited you to stay the night when my sister was out of town and we curled up in her queen size bed and started to watch a movie on netflix but got distracted by the contortions of our own skin, and how good it felt to be touched with calloused fingertips upon naked, greedy hands. i remember our second date when you took me out to dinner and i slipped into a sequinned dress to impress you; i remember the way it scratched up my arm and i complained all night. i remember how you spoke to my sisters room mate about her paper that was due the next day and how you said you were glad to meet her. i remember the way i kissed you goodbye the next morning when you left for ten days, and i remember the way your hands were in my hair and my heart was in my throat. i remember the way we spoke when you were gone, and how our sighs were full of remorseful and exasperated i miss yous and kiss mes. i remember the way i wrapped my arms around you when you finally returned home and the way i kissed you so hard i almost knocked you over. i remember the weed we smoked and i remember the way you wrapped your fingers around my chin and kissed me and didn't stop until i begged you not to. i remember almost everything about the way your words sounded when you first cancelled our plans and i got upset. i remember the way my tears felt hot on my cheekbones when we fought and how you said "baby i'm sorry but it's the way it has to be". i remember the way i held your face in my hands, looked into your eyes and told you that i hated saying goodbye to you. i remember how fast you left that night and how fast you never came back.

i remember how a week later i put on my big girl panties and ran some errands - curled my hair, put on glasses and met a boy for coffee who ended up taking me to the movies and holding my hand and kissing me goodnight, leaving me reeling and happy for the first time in what felt like ages. i remember the way he came around three days in a row until he finally asked me to be his girlfriend and i said yes. i remember the way i thought he wasnt a very good kisser, but it didn't matter because at least someone wanted to kiss me. i remember the day he brought me to a barbeque to meet his friends just because he needed a ride to the store to get cigarettes and thought it would be rude to not invite me in. i remember the way all of his friends enjoyed my company and said they couldn't wait to see me again. i remember the way it felt when he ignored my requests to come over and watch a movie and i remember the song i was singing on stage in a room full of people when he sent me a text message to tell me he didn't want to see me anymore. i remember the way i was sad for fifteen minutes and my friends took my phone away and said "don't worry about it, he doesn't deserve you" and how i only believed them for the next few hours.  i remember how i spent that weekend with some new and old friends trying to find content in the bottom of a beer bottle in the middle of the woods. i remember how i forgot he existed and took another shot.

i remember the weird feeling i had when i sat at a window seat in a nice coffee shop to meet a boy in a baggy plaid shirt. i remember the way he asked me what i wanted to drink and how i thought he reminded me of my sisters father with the way he talked and the way he said my name. i remember the way the waves splashed up on the shore as we sat by the water sipping through our straws. i remember the way it rained when i met him up on the mountain to take his two dobermans for a run. i remember all the times i thought he wasn't interested in me but i hung out with him anyways. i remember the night i went to dinner with my friends and they paid and he invited me over to meet his brother. i remember the cute look in his eyes as he opened the door with a beer in his hand, and the way his brother seemed like he was genuinely happy to meet me and how his mother called me his girlfriend. i remember the smile he had on his face when i played a song for him on my new ukulele and he said he didn't know i could play as he kissed me on the lips for the first time. i remember how he downed a few more beers, smoked a whole pack of cigarettes and kissed me again by the fire and how i thought it wasn't that good but i could surely fix that. i remember meeting his friend from high school and thinking that he was rather cute, and drinking a whole six pack of twisted teas before finding his bedroom and falling asleep at midnight. i remember him crawling in beside me at two and trying to get into my pants and i told him to leave me alone. i remember how he coughed and snored all night because he was sick and how i wished i had just gone home at nine o clock when i had the chance. i remember how in the morning none of that seemed to matter because i spent the next week at his house sleeping in his bed, running my fingers over the tattoo on his back; kissing the rims of beer bottles and carressing the bodies of cigarettes, watching the smoke dance infront of my face in the careless breeze along with the smell of our recent bong hoots and winning games of beer pong. i remember the way we laughed and sang along to johnny cash, and slow danced to van morrison in your back yard by the fireplace and the christmas lights that barricaded the trees; i remember the way our foreheads touched and i kissed your lips thinking about how this could be the real thing, and how i had never been more happy than i was in that moment. i remember asking you to stop drinking at nine am, and watching you open another beer at ten. i remember when your sister let me in your house at eleven and you finally joined me in bed at three with the most disgusting smell of beer and cigarettes linger on your ugly tshirt, whispering "it's my birthday, lets get dirty" into my ear. i remember the way i pushed you off of me with my small hands and you accused me of cheating on you. i remember the way you told me you were falling in love with me, and how i felt in the morning when i saw you hiding behind your sunglasses, barely moving except to swig your bottle up to your lips and drown your body in the alcoholic memories you didn't even know you were trying to forget.  i remember writing "break up with him" on my calendar for sunday because i wanted to go to your house and get drunk on friday. i remember the way you asked for a second chance on saturday morning and i said no and you said you were thankful for the opportunity to spend time with a pretty girl like me. i remember hanging out with your sister and trying to make amends with you and how sometimes i miss you and wish i had just held on for a little bit longer. i remember having that thought when your sister told me you quit drinking after i left, and how your buddy from highschool and i hung out and i told him i thought he was cute and he said he thought you were a good guy and maybe you and i could get back together someday down the road. i remember the last time i saw you and tried to sneak out of the picture, but i still think you noticed and i still worry that you're judging me. i remember how i felt when it finally clued in that you didn't want me anymore, and i remember the song i wrote to express how i felt. i remember how i never played it for anyone.

i don't know if you remember, but i do. i don't think i will ever be able to forget.