i can't find you.

it's eight minutes till two and half past disappointment.
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hello, it's me again, sitting here thinking about you. i have my knees tucked into my chest and my chin resting upon them. my hair is falling in my eyes and my heart is falling into the ground. my fingers have turned blue from the cold of writing your name over and over again in cursive in the broken dimensions of us. it took me a while to realize that no matter how many times i scribble your name with my feeble hands, you are not going to come back.

and it scares me.
because it is almost three o clock and i can see my own pain in the air in front of me.
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hello, it's me. just one more time. and i'm lying here in the heat trying to find my way back to nowhere. i am bathing in the sonnet of our long forgotten songs and i have a river flowed by angst and heartbreak dripping down my temple. from chambers slow i recollect my body, one by one, until i am able to stand and walk and say that i'm fine when really i'm not. i am not okay i am not okay i am not okay and i will not be okay until i am able to figure this out. i am fine i am fine i am fine when you are here and i can't remember the last time a moment like that existed.

and it scares me.
because it's almost autumn again and for some reason i can't forget about you.
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hello, it's me. for the millionth time. i'm just having a little bit of difficulty and i'm looking for some instruction. i want to be able to find my breath in my lungs and i want my tearducts to stop running dry. i want to be able to find me inside of you and i want us to live happily ever after in the middle of nothing. i want my heart to stop beating and my ears to stop listening my feet to stop moving and my eyes to stop seeing. i want you to find me and i want to wait until you realize that what we both need, is eachother.

and it scares me.
because it's five o clock and i know i've lost you for good.